As I was driving home from work the other night, I was listening to one of my favorite podcasts – Magic Lessons with Elizabeth Gilbert. She was speaking with Glennon Doyle Melton, who said something that hit home with me. Glennon said she started blogging because she was searching for a place to tell the truth. She wanted to be a truth teller.
Here’s the thing…I have tried, and failed, to have a blog approximately 47 times (give or take).
Hearing Glennon’s words finally made me realize why. I wasn’t telling the truth, or at least my truth.
I was trying to be like all the other blogs I love to follow – full of pretty pictures and crafts and recipes and all of the perfectness. Or I would try to be funny and witty, which just doesn’t work for me in writing.
But really, all I want to do is tell the truth.
I want to tell my truth about being a mom.
About being a wife.
About trying to balance it all and failing and getting up the next day and trying again.
About being scared to raise two daughters in this freaking crazy world.
About not always loving myself and the body I inhabit.
But being truthful is scary. Because if I’m honest, the last thing I am is truthful. I hide. I hide my thoughts and feelings behind perfectionism and focusing on everyone else.
And I pretend. I pretend that everything is okay when it is so not.
Because being truthful makes me vulnerable and I want to protect myself. Because what if I am truthful and the people closest to my heart can’t handle it? What if they hear my truth and can’t love me in spite of it? Or what if my truth hurts them? Or what if they use my truth to hurt me?
As scared as I am, I’m going to give truth a shot. From here on out, I will be painfully (and I hope refreshingly) honest. There won’t always be perfect pictures and beautifully written words and my girls won’t be dressed in coordinated outfits. In fact, their hair will probably be a disaster and they will probably have remnants of dinner on their clothes. But, it will be honest.
I won’t be able to please everyone, but I hope that we’ll find a common ground and that someone else will feel better because they know at least one person is also trying and failing, too. Because maybe a little bit of my truth is also your truth.
Because that is all we can really do – try our best. Sometimes it will be enough, sometimes it won’t. But, we’ll keep trying.